It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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