Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
