just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
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I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
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Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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