the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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