i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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