Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Sext me about skeletons
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
