You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I have aggressive nipples.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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