You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
