You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
