i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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