Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
