she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
