Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
