I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
