I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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