Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
