did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
