I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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