the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
