Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
