kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
