My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
