Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
