my mouth tastes like poor choices
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
