We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
