Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
