well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My pussy is not your playground.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
