You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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