he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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