please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
