i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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