where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
