I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
