I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
