oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
