My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize