On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
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I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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