i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
so let's talk penis.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
