Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
