after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
