Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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