Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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