Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
