One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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