I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
