She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
