i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
