My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
