I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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