don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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