tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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