My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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