Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
