You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
