I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.