Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Shame - the story of my life.
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