we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
