Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
