I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
