Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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