FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
