I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
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Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
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I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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